Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
