I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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