he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
