He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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