fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
