Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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