Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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