The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My pussy is not your playground.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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