i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize