Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
