bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
