this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
