this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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