He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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