I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
