Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
