Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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