oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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