Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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