i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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