if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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