Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
