Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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