i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
