I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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