Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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