If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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