I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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