Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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