Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
