Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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