So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
