u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
