Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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