He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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