anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
