Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
