Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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