so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
