I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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