I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
