I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
