She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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