We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
