i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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