i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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