Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?