So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
