i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
