what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
