I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
