I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
