sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's great music for shaving your balls
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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