First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
