my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
